Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in zbladerunner's LiveJournal:

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Monday, December 10th, 2007
1:59 am	Let it Be The wound on my heart has finally scabbed over and healed. Thank you to everyone who was so helpful and understanding. Thanks Sara for listening to me when I almost broke down and Shannon for taking me to the hospital when I hurt myself. I've never had my heart broken before and it was an interesting experience. I think the whole experience has made me softer as a person, but not necessarily weaker. I've learned many things. Sometimes, sheer force of will is not enough, no matter how hard I try. It's always been easy for me to be friends with people, I have a strong personality, but it really isn't the same for romantic interests...sometimes no matter how hard you try, it just doesn't work out, and it's not anyone's faults and not because of some mess up or anything, it just is and I can't do anything to change that. I think that was something that was hard to accept for me. Also I realized who it is that really cares about me and was able to get me through all the hardships and the broken-heartedness. If it wasn't for these people, I would have turned my sadness into anger instead of being able to withstand it and letting it pass, though anger is analgesic...it is by no mean therapeutic in the end. I'm glad it was sadness and not anger. Back to training again. One thing however, still makes me a bit sad. For a while, I was training for another person, out of the desire to impress her with my strength and protect them. Now, I'm back to training for myself again. It was so easy to train when you're lovesick, not so much when you're broken-hearted. I have to admit, I like training for the purpose of another, it felt so much more noble...and so much less lonely. But it's OK, me and Caitlin are still friends and we still train capoeira together. I think I have found some closure for myself. The last time we played capoeira, it was an exceedingly gentle game, as if she was trying to tell me she was sorry she hurt me and did not wish to hurt me anymore. The unspoken exchange between us showed me that she will always be my friend...despite everything that happened, she still cares about me and hence I will still try to protect her with what little strength I have. Though I have been listening to "Let it Be" by The Beatles a lot. "... And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be. ... And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me, shine until tomorrow, let it be." I've always been touched by that song. Now so more than ever. I have found new inspiration though it. I will be fine. This too will pass, and while it happens I will just let it be. -Kevin (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 5th, 2007
5:35 am	Foot of the lime tree, foot of the lemon tree...my love said no, my love said no Guh...I need to do something differently. No longer sad or angry, just a bit UNSTABLE. Also maybe a bit of fear and despair knowing that I will be an investment banker next year. LAST YEAR OF FUN OMG!!!!! WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE!!!!! Landed a standing butterfly twist though. Nice. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, March 16th, 2007
4:45 am	Swordsmanship I have finally found a name for my new swords to replace my old one. The black one will be called Chi- meaning breath, wind and energy. Appropriate since it is so light and fast. The heavy one will be called Yi - meaning willpower and resilience signifying it's heavier weight and the determination required to swing it. Also YiChi together in Chinese also means "Honor". 20. You can abandon your own body, but never let go of your honor. I like the names. (Comment on this)
Monday, January 1st, 2007
5:44 pm	Dokkodo (The Way to be Followed Alone) 1. Do not stubbornly rebel against the ways of the world. 2. Do not seek pleasure for its own sake. 3. Do not rely upon any half-hearted feelings. 4. Think lightly of yourself and think deeply of the world. 5. Remain detached from desire. 6. Do not regret what you have done. 7. Never be jealous of others. 8. Never let yourself be saddened by a separation. 9. Abandon resentment and complaint. 10. Do not let yourself be guided by the feeling of love. 11. Disregard your personal preferences. 12. Accept your dwelling and living conditions. 13. Do not pursue the taste of good food. 14. Do not hoard ancient treasures intended for future generations. 15. Do not mindlessly follow the ways of the world. 16. Do not become obsessed with weapons or fighting. 17. Do not run from death. 18. Do not accumulate goods and riches for your old age. 19. Respect the gods, without relying on their help. 20. You can abandon your own body, but never let go of your honor. 21. Never depart from the way of strategy. Miyomoto Musashi (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, July 17th, 2006
10:27 pm	Jacques and Julia are married...I am so happy for them. During the ceremony this nearly brought me to tears. "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing." Corinthians 13: 1-3 (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 28th, 2006
5:48 pm	*This is something I wrote to myself a while back but lacked the courage to let anyone see. Admitting my weakness, I realize, is the first step to conquering them. Already I feel a new sense of inspiration, a new sense of direction and power. But more on that later. Here it is, so that I admit to everyone and myself, so I won't forget. Now I have nothing to hide.* Thursday, February 2nd, 2006 5:22 am Private I can't sleep...this sucks. My body aches with the training I've been putting it through, and I know it's still not enough. Not NEARLY enough. I MUST dedicate myself. I can't make any more excuses, like "oh I have school" or "oh I don't have weights"...I cannot...CANNOT waste any more time. I have wasted so much time already. Training hard, but then slipping up and getting back to day 1. That was it with Wrestling, that was it with running, that was the case with gymnastics even. THAT is NOT progress. True progress is what I live for. Not the illusion of it. I train to be stronger...and become continuously stronger...but only because somewhere alongst the line I got weaker. I train to become faster, and do become faster...only to catch up to my previous speeds. I need to reach NEW heights. I'm almost 20 now, I'm starting to feel my bones ache and creek from all the stress of what I put it through. Injuries now plague me for months, instead of just weeks or days. Falls that I would sometimes shrug off now haunt me into taking caution. I FEAR now. I fear causing damage to myself, so I can't train anymore. I have never had that fear, I always had assumed that somehow, I will never be injured, or never be hurt. Heh...says the man who can't even walk straight right now, nor swing his left shoulder and move his right ankle. Until my body heals, I'm going to train as hard as I can. And this time I WILL NOT stray. I won't "take a break", time is precious...and also, I'm eager to reach new levels, to break this plateau that I'm on. But how? I don't know... WARNING: This part is morbid, and very introspective. I wrote it for myself and no one else. I'm not trying to impress anyone. If you don't care...then don't read. Sometimes I'm just caught with this big gigantic, indecisiveness on life. Ricardo said he would want to die in the most painfully gruesome way possible...to be remembered. I see his point in a way...though morbid as it is. I don't think I can wish for that, since despite common misconceptions, pain does in fact hurt me...ALOT. I do want to be remembered as well. But how? Is that the only way I will be remembered? Resort to the most violent death possible? The mere thought of that as the only possibility makes me very disillusioned and afraid. The fact that I'm thinking about this means I'm not satisfied with the person I am now. I want to be MORE. But how do I know what I will become, if I don't know who I WANT to be. I want to die knowing that I had "my shot" and that I did alright. I don't want to die thinking "I never had my shot". That will be the saddest thing in the world for me, it would mean my life was wasted that I lived for nothing. Hence I am not "brave". I wish people would stop calling me fearless. I am only brave because I do not want to be sad. I force myself to be "brave", and in no ways does that mean I don't have fear. Everytime someones says it I am reminded of all the fear and sadness I have in my heart, and think about how the true me would really disappoint everyone if they knew who I really am. Does anyone know? How could they. I am weak. I have not yet become strong physically, but the strength of character and will is really what is lacking. I always doubt myself, even though sometimes my abilities are well beyond the challenge I am facing. Why can't I face new challenges, whether they be beyond me or not, with a smile on my face? I have fought some, where even when I am beating them...when they do not even stand a chance of evening hitting me, yet...they're smiling. They smile because they found a worthy opponent? Because they now know who they would want to surpass? Why can't I be like them? Where is the thrill of meeting new challenges and pitting yourself against it? Where is the thrill of testing your strength and all your hard work? Why...WHY must I always question myself? "What if I can't lift this?" "What if I can't beat him?". My hesitation holds me back. Sometimes I honestly think about quitting. Sometimes I would think that maybe I'm not the kind of person to handle this kind of thing, that maybe I'm not strong enough. But I always keep going, because I don't want to let everything I worked for be to waste. Yet I fight on because I don't want to be sad...don't want to be disappointed, don't want to be a quitter, don't want to REGRET. Yet, I find myself hard to dedicate all of my heart...and strengthen my body but more importantly...my spirit and resolve. Why can't I be like everyone else? Why can't I be happy with all the little things in life, be content with good food, company and hospitality? Why can't I be content like my mother was content, or my father...or the rest of my family and everyone else I know. Why must I trek on this journey, which leaves me hurt, disllusioned and lonely. I am so tired of this...yet I am so afraid to rest. Sometimes even with everyone around me, I feel like the loneliest person in the world. I can have everyone's approval...but I will never have my own... That why I hate being alone sometimes. Why can't I be like everyone else my age...find a girlfriend and be happy together. Instead I am lonely with this great burden on my shoulders...one that only I can hold and no one else. Sometimes it disheartens me to think about my journeys to come, because honestly sometimes I think I will only disappoint myself more and more. It is so sad for me when I think that. Yet it happens. I NEED to be strong. I need to find my strength somehow. I need to find the strength to not be sad... Everyone, who walks on this planet, all will inevitably look for something. Some look for love, power, wisdom, knowledge, glory/renown or maybe even the prosperity of others. In finding that, they can find themselves, they are made whole and complete, and they can die without any regrets. I need to find my strength. I am weak at heart...but I want so badly to be STRONG. I want to die knowing that no matter what I've achieved, I did all I could...all that my body would allow me to. I want to die knowing I was strong until the end that I DID NOT WAVER...that I DID NOT STRAY from my path. I always say that..."I will not stray from my path" yet I never really knew what that path was. The simple answer was Bushido, the path of the Warrior. But I think it's a different path, though related. I want to fight and love so fiercely that no one can say I could have done better. I will live on in the hearts on those I love. But even more importantly, I want to be content with myself the moment before I die. I want die knowing I was strong...that I could not have been any stronger. In so, I would die with a smile on my face, knowing that I have faced all my hardships in life and now eagerly awaits challenges in the after-life. That smile would never fade. My soul will be let to rest from this hard journey that I walk...and my fighting spirit will live on...forever... I walk the path towards immortality. THIS is the true reason I want to be strong. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, May 22nd, 2006
11:50 pm	Here I am, home, whatever that is. I hate this place. I hate how the drapes are always covering the windows and the blinds are always closed. I hate how it is always so fucking dark and so fucking cold. I hate how it's always so empty and so quiet. Most of all, I hate how empty I feel when I come back to it. This is not home. This is a blank interlude between my stays at school. This is a 3 month period where i exist in utter boredom and meaninglessly. Is this what life is going to be like after college? I hope not. I miss school. (Comment on this)
Monday, April 10th, 2006
2:41 am	People I'm gonna miss alot next yr. Sara - Of course, I love Sara. Ethan and Jorge - Though I don't know them very much, they are both one of the nicest people I know. Ethan is also a total badass at Soul Calibre 3 and a worth challenge. Jorge is so happy and cheerful all the time and a GREAT martial artist. He is also incredibly strong and flexible. I enjoy tumbling alot more because they are in it. Ethan is a martial artist too, and pretty skilled too when I fought him. Both are men after my own heart, kindred spirits. I will miss having them around, there are few true martial artists at this college, it's a pity we are losing two of them. Think that's it, I don't know very many seniors. (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 26th, 2006
3:20 am	Man...I really need to work on my strength skills, Yuri and David's got me beat by a shitload. I win in speed/balance/kicking skills though, but those are much less cool to show off :-D. Damn those 1-hander pushups I can't figure if i should do them or not, I can only do it on right arm so I'd get some crappy imbalances if i keep them up. Had sushi today with the guys (David, Yuri, Omri, Lee), made some masterpieces, though me and yuri differed in technique, it was delicious nonetheless. Chilled at Yuri's house and watched Fist of Legend again. Hilarious instances include skinny leg contest between lee and david (lee won), then thunder thighs contest with me and yuri where yuri's dad took out a camera and took pictures of us with our pants down (it was a tie)... Man...those guys and their skinny legs, I don't know how they kick or jump, me and yuri's got it down right. In terms of stomach strength skill, yuri's dad got ALL of us beat though, it was crazy. Good feast, good company, what more can you ask for. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 19th, 2006
2:39 am	Because he believes in himself, he doesn't try to convince others. Because he is content with himself, he doesn't need others' approval. Because he accepts himself, the whole world accepts him. -Taoist Translation I found this to be so powerful...absolutely amazing. Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Friday, March 17th, 2006
1:22 am	David asked me a favor today, to remind him about his martial arts training because he's been slipping lately due to both of our tricking and gymnastics divergence and needs a good kick in the ass to keep him motivated. Man...times like these makes me love being a teacher of the martial arts. There can be no better student than that man. We both learn through each other. Though I excel over him in combat, he outdos me in courage. I teach him martial arts and he teaches me gymnastics. Upon combining the two, we have the hybrid sport of tricking and acrobatics. Each specializing in our own strength, he focuses on flip tricks while I on kick tricks. We complement each other perfectly. His strong point is in his arms, while mine are in my legs. He exceeds me in strength, while I exceed him in speed. He is better at manipulating his center of gravity while I am better at rotational kicking velocity. It's hard to imagine, that we met over 3 years ago and we started training when he has never done martial arts. Now he is a true martial artist. Though his technique is a bit sloppy and his fighting abilities need refinement, his soul is strong and resolute, that of a TRUE martial artist. He has JUST as much right, if not MORE than I, to call himself a martial artist. When I get old, THESE are the memories that I will remember. The training, the self-improvement, the mutual relationship between teacher and student, pushing ourselves and each other and most importantly...BROTHERHOOD. Hmmm...I better get to training harder, I don't want to disappoint him next time we fight. Current Mood: Inspired Current Music: Pillar - Fireproof (Comment on this)
Monday, March 13th, 2006
2:20 am	Thunderstorms are so powerful. There is this insatiable energy in the air whenever a thunderstorm hits. Especially yesterday night, when it wasn't raining very hard and was kind of warm. It felt so good. I went outside and trained for like 3 hours, I felt so alive. It was the first time I felt alive in months. I wanted to just scream into the clouds and let out all the bottled up anger and stress I've been holding in. But all these people were around and I didn't wanna scare them shitless. My skills with a blade is getting dull, though my hand-to-hand combat skills have never been better. It was a good feeling...throwing a punch so forcefully that the water from my hair wipes forwards in front of me. A flurry of such punches and there's a small whirlwind of water flying from my hair, kicked up from the ground, etc. It was invigorating. I shall do my best not to forget that day. "Let me enlighten you...THIS IS THE WAY I PRAY!!!!" - Disturbed Current Mood: determined (Comment on this)
Monday, January 23rd, 2006
3:02 am	So i went outside at around 1 or something today 'cause i was sick of staying in. For no reason, i decided to run about a half to a whole mile in my sandals. I made alot of noise on a campus that was dead silent. Then i decided to train for a bit. It seems my martial arts abilities have rusted a bit, but it's still pretty much intact. All this time, training for tricking and gymnastics, I have neglected the thing that I love the most. I am a martial artist first, a gymnast second. But, with david/yuri/omri/randy/neil and all them egging me on, it's hard to focus on my art, which is a very solitary kind of training. Today was a sorta bad night i guess. I did not want to go back inside, so i stayed outside for a really long time, and just listened to music. I always need music. I never realized how much i depended on it. I need it to drown out these thoughts that haunt me. I hate silence, hate having to deal with this loneliness that i feel sometimes. I don't know why, sometimes i just hate being alone, and other times i only want to be alone. Oh well, it's good to write these things down and get it off your chest. On another note, my skills with a sword have also rusted a bit. The new bokken is so damn heavy, i definitely need to train with it more to get use to the weight. I can't wait for the weather to get better, when i can start training in the grass. The question i really need to ask myself is why do i fear so much. It holds me back, when learning gymnastics, and even when training martial arts, I am constantly dragged down by this irrational fear. I guess i fear pain. Yet, I fear the disappointment i will feel for being a coward. Everyone thinks i'm this fearless, irrational, and rash crazy man who does whatever he wants. That is far from the truth. I , like everyone else, is often afraid. Some of these fears are those such as i should not, and do not want to have, but have nonetheless. I fear getting old and slow and weak. I fear being alone. I fear being forgotten. I fear being ordinary and unremarkable. I fear one day I will lose myself and become one of those cynical old men who can only reminisce about his younger days when he was able to kick, or flip or everything. I fear many things, yet i delude myself by this charade of being fearless. I am such a fool. Current Mood: melancholy Current Music: Temptations - Lean on Me (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, January 9th, 2006
11:54 pm	I need to train harder...but i HATE WINTER SO MUCH!!!! I need to go outside!!! Goals for this year: Backflip variations. (Close) Corkscrew (Not close at all) B-twist (Maybe???) Doubleleg (Regain...i can't believe i lost it) Aerial (Also regain...I hate winter) Frontflip (Close) Sideflip (Also regain...fuck...) 720 (I THINK i'm close) 540 variation (not sure) Backhandspring (Dunno) Maybe i would even learn a handstand...but maybe not, handstands are for suckers. Yuri's bulletin board (so shitty) recommends writing down resolutions down for better effect. Current Music: Mar Volta - Take the Veil Cerpin Taxt (Comment on this)
Friday, December 30th, 2005
10:59 pm	I made some new friends around my town, and we've been doing the dumbest shit, it's awesome. To name a few, wine and cheese party with mint and pearl liquor that came with the house (10 years ago), jumping into lake erie today and freezing our balls off, eating a whole smoked mackerel right out of the package (like a barbarian), going to russian stores and buying booze when we dont have a fake and driving to kent state for the pure purpose of dropping mentos into diet pepsi (to watch it explode) then coming BACK to train at a high school while people ran track and stare at us with awe (AHAHAHA). I have injured by back again...this kind of sux because i havent done that in a long time, jeez. 225lb deadlifts sure are heavy, i have to be careful. Just because i can do alot more still means i need to respect the weight. New years party tomorrow, i am psyched, we're planning to make sushi, drink beer with dried fish and have champagne at 12. What a blast. For the first time I am happy at home, what a surprise. I am infinitely closer to getting the stupid 720. I need to keep at a move until i get it, or else I'd lose progress. For example, I lost the doubleleg...and my fear of backtucks are back. BUT, I'm gonna do it, just watch. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 14th, 2005
3:40 am	I wonder what I really want from life, because I think it's really pointless right now. I wish i could just win the lottery or something so i don't have to put up with this whole making money, doing a 9-5 job, becoming a drone of society. I wish i was born in an earlier era, where i could live and die by the sword and dedicate my life towards one thing instead of this meaningless, aimless stumbling. "No matter what happens I shall not lose sight of my path." - my senior quote. Man...i was so sure of myself back then, I wish i could have the same naivete that i possessed back then. Is it optimism? stupidity? faith? or strength? I wish i could know, just for a second that my life could be dedicate toward something, not just existing. I REFUSE to just exist. If life is merely about existing, then there is no place in this world for one such as i, filled with romantic visions and childish fantasies. Sometimes i question how meaningful for me to keep living when there's nothing worth living for except to exist. Don't pay too much attention to this, im not suicidal...just a bit disillusioned. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, December 12th, 2005
12:02 am	What the FUCK is wrong with me? Why am i such a fucking weakling?! GOD DAMMIT! I'm so disappointed in myself. I can't believe how pathetic I was at training today. Couldn't even will myself to do a backtuck. I gave in to fear, my body refused to function. I can't believe it, this is so fucking ridiculous, I SUCK. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 8th, 2005
9:38 pm	Best Trickster's Volume 1 and 2. The limits of the human body has yet to be explored... Here are some inspirational quotes. "Man is a pupil, pain is his teacher." -Alfred de Musset "It's not because things are difficult that we don't dare; it's because we don't dare that things are difficult." -Seneque "The wise man asks himself the reason for his mistakes. The fool asks others." - Chinese proverb "By trying often, the monkey learns to jump from the tree." - Cambodian proverb "With time and patience, the mulbery leaf becomes silk" - Chinese proverb "Life's battles don't always go to the stronger or faster man, but sooner or later the man who wins is the one who thinks he can". - Bruce Lee (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 6th, 2005
2:32 am	I landed a BACKFLIP!!!! SWEET!!! Also a doubleleg, a front flip and a side sumersault. Don't believe me? Oh well, i couldnt give a shit. Too proud of myself. LATER!!! (Comment on this)
Monday, November 21st, 2005
3:09 am	FUCK YOU ANKLE!!! FUCK YOU GRAVITY!!! ...lemme see... FUCK YOU HARD CONCRETE!!! and... FUCK YOU CALCULUS (and econ...but not as much) Contrary to popular beliefs, pain does in fact, hurt me. I'm hella pissed off, but my awesome roommates got me food, so that's pretty cool. But I can't do anything despite this awesome weather which depresses me alot, and also calculus test tomorrow...FUCK YOU CALCULUS!!!! I'm done (2 Comments |Comment on this)